NOTE: This column originally appeared in Feb. 2002 on the Paper Bag Review
Sidearms here, back with installment #2 of A Day in the Life of 90210-In Real Time. I'd like to thank all of you who wrote to me last week to thank me for providing the kind of hard hitting news they are too scared to report on the networks (A special thanks to Janine T. from Yorba Linda, CA for complimenting me on mile-run time and eye for photography...your PBR T-shirt and signed 8x10 glossy are in the mail). Anyway, on to Part 2...
(Note: if none of this makes sense to you it is for one of two reasons: 1) You didn't read part one or 2) It doesn't make sense.)
Location #4: Peach Pit
Scenario: Seeing as how Brandon has some pull at the Peach Pit, and doesn’t get harassed by security thugs, he and Kelly easily walk inside and devour some Mega-Burgers. Nat tells them it’s on the house and then reminisces about the time when Burt Reynolds stopped in and sat in Steve McQueen’s seat. Apparently, they got into an argument and fisticuffs ensued, but Nat was able to intervene and save the day. Nat goes on to say his secret for settling disputes is a hearty combination of Italian folklore and warm peach pie. Kelly then remembers that the last check her mom wrote to Jake Hanson for fixing up her house bounced, and they must drop off a new one at his apartment in Melrose Place. Willie bids them farewell from behind the grill and they take off.
90210 Time: 20 minutes
Real Time: Due to a highway on-ramp being closed without warning, a three-car accident and a gentleman changing his tire on the side of the road, traffic was slowed up considerably and the 19 mile trip from Van Nuys to Los Feliz took about 2 hours and 6 minutes.
Totals: 90210:1h, 25min Sidearms:5h, 23min
Location #5: Melrose Place
Scenario: Dimeless after running Shooters into the ground (by letting Traci Lords do his books), Jake happily accepts the check for $100. Math whiz Brandon points out that with the interest on a bounced check from 1991, Jake should have actually gotten somewhere in the neighborhood of $1,000. Realizing this blunder, Brandon and Kelly make a quick exit, and head for the KEG house to meet up with Steve Sanders for a beer pong tournament. On the way out of the building, Brandon runs into Dr. Peter Burns and agrees to set a tee time for 7am the following morning with a foursome consisting of he, Burns, Dr. Michael Mancini and Kyle McBride.
90210 Time: 30 minutes
Real Time: Located right next to California University, the KEG house was a quick hop, skip and a jump from Los Feliz, and the 12 mile drive only took 31 minutes.
Totals: 90210:1h, 55min Sidearms:5h, 54min
Location #6: KEG House
Scenario: Feeling that they can't measure up to precedent set by Steve's father Rush Sanders' team from 1964, he and his teammate Muntz bow out of the beer pong tournament and forfeit their spot as judges of the Miss California University beauty pageant. As if the mood couldn't get any worse, the abundance of beer in the KEG house reminds the gang that they have to pick up attorney Matt Durning and Donna Martin at the ‘Now Wear This’ boutique so they can attend Noah's record breaking 19th drunk driving arraignment since he joined the show.
90210 Time: 15 minutes
Real Time: Having to go down to the heart of the Melrose shopping district in L.A, and dealing with the late-early afternoon rush made driving a rather dubious task, taking around 1 hour and 55 minutes to travel the 14 miles from Eagle Rock to L.A.
Totals: 90210:2h, 10min Sidearms:6h, 49min
Location #7: Now Wear This boutique
Scenario: When the gang arrives, Matt informs them that even on network television, a character must serve some jail time after they have gotten 18 or more DUIs in a two year period (I will be sure to consult Paper Bag Review's resident legal expert Mats Schlock on the legitimacy of this claim), and he couldn’t get Noah the probation he felt he deserved. On a brighter note, Donna receives a call from David Silver who informs her that he has a gig as Babyface's back-up keyboard player at the West Beverly High Spring Dance, and he invites them to come and check it out on the off chance that he will get to beatbox over the flamenco guitar solo.
90210 Time: 25 minutes
Real Time: On a record pace of 1.9 miles every 15 minutes, we liked our odds of making it the 27 miles from L.A. to Torrance before nightfall. Just in case, we stopped at the gas station, filled up, installed new headlights and the hit Carl's Jr. for some drive-thru dinner. Obviously recognizing our importance, we blazed through the drive through in only 15min, and I think one of us even got what we ordered. It finally ended up taking us 3 hours and 12 minutes in total...not too shabby!
Totals: 90210:2h, 35min Sidearms:10h, 1min