NOTE: This column originally appeared in Feb. 2002 on the Paper Bag Review
Sidearms back again with the third and final installment in the 90210 series. Thank you once again to all of you who emailed me with your thoughts...be sure to check out parts one and two if you haven't already done so...and off we go...
Location #8: West Beverly High
Scenario: Once they arrive at West Beverly, Assistant Principal Yvonne Teasley and Blaze Editor Gil Myers greet the gang and they find out that the time capsule they buried when they were seniors has been seized due to new property lines being drawn up in the area. Meanwhile, on the dance floor a scuffle erupts between some uninvited Shaw High students and the West Beverly football team, leading to a dance off in a peaceful attempt to solve the dispute. After it ends in a tie, a game of double-six dominoes is played to determine the unanimous winner. The gang leaves in a hurry when they remember today was the day that Dylan got out of drug rehab and they want to throw him a party.
90210 Time: 20 minutes
Real Time: Given the fact that I started this journey off with a fresh night of sleep, and going against the traffic, it took me only 1 hour and 20 min to travel the 35 miles from Torrance back up to Altadena. It felt like less though because I was caught up in the comic banter of Danny Bonaduce on the radio…genius, pure genius! He truly is the second coming of Dave Coulier.
Totals: 90210: 2h, 55min Sidearms:10 h 1min DAY ONE; 1 h 20min DAY TWO
Location #9: Dylan's House
Scenario: When the gang arrives at his house, the party has already begun as Dylan is involved in a heated contest of Electronic Battleship with his little sister-turned-prostitute Erica. Erica foolishly places her battleship on row B1-B5, allowing Dylan to capitalize on a quick path to victory. So easy, in fact, Brandon theorizes that the game may have been fixed in an effort to keep Dylan feeling happy and off drugs. Dylan celebrates his victory with a bottle of champagne, and no one seems to mention that he is also a recovering alcoholic. Andrea then shows up with her grandkids, inciting everyone to clear out and head to Casa Walsh.
90210 Time: 10 minutes
Real Time: Seeing as though in real life the two locations are only four houses apart, it didn't require a car, therefore the 600 ft walk took only about 47 seconds (add an extra 10 if you want to stop and tie your shoe. It's worth it, trust me, taking ten seconds is easier than the added 15 seconds if you trip over your shoelace)
Totals: 90210: 3h, 5min Sidearms: 10 h 1min DAY ONE; 1h 20min 47s DAY TWO
CONCLUSION: So what have we learned? Well, judging by the results of this case study, it has been determined that road the conditions and time approximations of driving in the Greater Los Angeles Area are not depicted accurately on 90210. In fact, they aren't even close. To be honest, though, I can look past these inaccuracies. 90210 has provided us with lots of laughter, lots of tears, and endless entertainment during its 10 season run. Sure, an argument can be made that the show started sucking once Noah joined the show, or that it didn't really make sense to keep it going after the last remaining Walsh family member left (them moving and adapting to life in Beverly Hills was the whole basis for the show originally), or how there are no beaches in Beverly Hills, but let's face it: life without 90210 is like milking a cow on an odd day of the week when you are out of toilet paper and your next door neighbor wants to borrow your parachute pants — It's not fun.
CONCLUSION #2: Maybe people should walk more.